Ambivalence

1) Motherhood. I never really thought about having babies until I was 17. In my AP Psych class we would watch videos about child development which would often prominently feature smiling laughing babies. I'm pretty sure every girl in my class ovulated on those mornings. I, too, wanted a baby. Not right there in first period but eventually. For several years I entertained fantasies of being a stay-at-home Mom in the West Village; raising cute children and sending them to posh private schools. Yet the closer I get to that point in my life where I will be expected to get married and have children, the less I want to do it. The world is over-populated as it is. There's global warming, disease and social unrest (and that's just Brooklyn!) Also marriage is terrifying. I don't want to hear the m-word until I'm thirty, at least. Currently in my fridge you will find tortillas, a green tea eye compress and wine. I can't take care of myself; how can I be expected to take care of anyone else?
2) Reform Judaism. The Days of Awe have just ended, and I have had my fill of schul for another year. This year I attended services at NYU. Despite the fact the liturgy of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur have remained relatively unchanged for thousands of years the sermon was a surprise. This year's Rosh Hashanah sermon centered on not feeling guilty for not being Orthodox. Of all the things I feel guilty about, this is not one of them. I am not Reform because I am lazy or want to half-ass my religion. I'm Reform because I believe that women have the right to have an equal share in the practice of their religion. I don't think that I should be forced to sit in the back behind a screen and be kept away from the Torah because I am "unclean." Yom Kippur's sermon was a little closer to my actual sins: is reading US Weekly actually committing Lashon Harah? I can't quite remember what conclusion the sermon came to, but I came to my own: making any resolutions to refrain from talking shit is futile. Especially when I was wondering where the girl sitting in front of me got her nose done.